Bark soir! My name is Amigo, and I am here to tell you about Daniel, my American owner, who is truly the worst. (To clarify, I think my name is Amigo. I’m actually not sure. I definitelydon’t respond to it)
A little bit about me: I’m 7 weeks old. I used to live a really great life, wandering around the village and peeing wherever. About a week and a half ago, I was brought to the house of my owner Daniel, although I call him “Fat Guy” like everyone else in our village. It always makes me laugh when he screams, “Please stop calling me that! I am losing weight!“
The thing I hate most about Daniel is all the rules. I’m not allowed to escape the compound and bother my neighbors!? Explain to me how that’s fair. Oh, you can’t. I’m also not allowed to eat onions! Those are my favorite food, and they’re only pretty poisonous. And finally, I am required to poop outside or else I get in trouble. But pooping on top of electronics just feels right!
Speaking of using the bathroom, I don’t understand why everyone was mad at me when I peed on one of Daniel’s friends during a sleepover. It was a really comfortable sleeping bag!
OKAY FINE I POOPED ON THE FRIEND TOO. GET OFF MY BACK.
Daniel has also never taken me to PetCo. Some owner!
And don’t even get me STARTED on the medicine. Worms aren’t THAT BAD. And vaccines? I can’t even. Daniel keeps saying, “Sorry! It’s a Peace Corps policy!” HEY DANIEL, YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS A PEACE CORPS POLICY!? NOT STEALING DOGS FROM THEIR OWNERS! (Editor’s note: Amigo was not stolen. He is being dramatic.)
Look, I get it. I know that dogs get eaten here. It’s just a part of life, and it’s a part I understand. There isn’t a ton of protein to go around, and it’s not cheap by any means. It’s something that shocked Daniel at first, but it’s just a part of life here. So I’m grateful that I’m being taken care of. (I am too young to understand that you can’t end a sentence with a preposition. That will come!)
But I’m writing this because I NEED your help. I can’t live under these conditions for another second. Please help me escape. Here are some easy things you can do:
- If you are a person who lives in Nangbani or can easily get here, come over and don’t close the compound door.
- Call Daniel “Fat Guy.” He will get flustered.
- Say something that will make Daniel go on a tangent. So far, things that have worked are “The Pittsburgh Penguins are not a championship team” and “You can’t make a milkshake in this country.”
- Slip me a little cash and let me enjoy my freedom.
Finally, if you really want to stick it to Daniel (he knows what he did!), you can send me gifts. I would really love onions, but will also accept anything. You can send it to Daniel, and he will give it to me. We have an arrangement.
PCV Daniel A. Ryave
We’ll know that it’s a package for me because the A stands for Amigo. (Editor’s note: IT ALSO STANDS FOR ADAM. THAT IS LITERALLY MY MIDDLE NAME. AMIGO, COME ON!)
Well, it looks like Daniel is about to go to bed. This seems like a perfect time to poop on something Daniel likes. Thanks for listening to me, and I will check in soon!