I Lost 26 Pounds This Summer, And You Can Too!

This isn’t a scam–it works! Trying to knock off a few pounds before Labor Day? Want to feel better about your body? I was once in your shoes! But I followed these 26 SUPER EASY steps, and now I’m down 26 pounds! 

This plan isn’t for everyone, but if you have the willpower, you can succeed. Let’s get started!

1. Move to a country in West Africa. That’s probably the easiest step.
2. Learn that the main source of protein in your new country is sardines!

   

   And these are the GOOD ones!

3. Say to yourself, “I don’t really love sardines, but I’m sure they won’t be so bad! 
4. Laugh at how wrong you were.

   

   “And then I said, ‘Sure! I’ll try sardines! They can’t be that bad, right?'”

5. Move to a community where everyone gets your attention by saying “Hey, fat guy!” This includes people who are about to ask you for money.
6. Move to a different community!
7. Ask why everyone is calling you a word you don’t understand. 
8. Learn that the word they are calling you means “fat guy.”
9. Go for a run. Stop on the way to buy beignets for your family. Save one for yourself! You just ran!
10. Hand out the beignets to your family. 
11. Wait for your mother to ask you, “Aren’t you going to give a beignet to [a stranger in your compound whom you’ve never seen before]?”
12. Say, “Of course! It would be rude not to.”
13. Give the beignet you bought for yourself to a stranger. 

    

    Everyone in this picture LOVES beignets.

14. Walk everywhere, even though moto rides are quick and relatively cheap.
15. Run into a neighbor. Let them say, “You walk everywhere! You are always walking, fat guy!” Allow them to laugh at you for a while. 
16. Learn the French/local language word for losing weight. Also learn the phrase, “You’ll see. You’ll all see.”
17. Try a new food! Rabbit, cow skin, and fish bones are a good place to start.

    

    #foodstagram

18. Sprint full-speed to the latrine! Great place to sneak in some cardio before your body makes a game-time decision on how to reject the new food.
19. Sweat as much as humanly possible. Some easy ways to do this: be outside, be inside, be awake, be asleep
20. Enter a dance competition at a local independence festival. Win first or second place, depending on whom you ask.

    

    Hogbezan 2016 Special Edition! Not pictured: the bread-eating competition. Sit that one out.

21. Notice that your pants are starting to feel a little loose! Pat yourself on the back.
22. Stop patting yourself on the back when your pants are now around your ankles in the middle of an important conversation. (These things do happen to other people, right!?)
23. Have a button pop off your shirt before an important meeting.

    

    23.5: Disguise it by pulling up your pants over the missing button!

24. Have your pants rip before an important meeting. 
25. Dream of bacon cheeseburgers and pad thai while eating a bowl of plain rice.
26. Remember that no number on a scale will ever solve your problems, and the most important thing in life is that you’re happy and healthy. Enjoy your time with the people you love, and do something that makes the world a better place 🇹🇬❤️

    

    Sure, I’ve lost weight. But my favorite thing about this picture is how truly happy I am. What else matters?